This week, Wally the Worried Bowler writes to our resident “agony aunt”, the uniquely unqualified Dr Tufflove, seeking guidance after being unexpectedly dumped by fellow bowler Marge.
Dear Dr Tufflove,
Things had been going beautifully between Marge and me for more than a year.
Every Friday afternoon we would practice together for an hour, faithfully completing the famous 40-bowl drill Rocket and others used to promote.
Afterwards, we would retire for a very quiet glass of wine - almost in silence.
I thought we had developed a wonderful understanding.
But last week, halfway through the usual drill, Marge suddenly snapped.
She declared the 40-bowl drill was “so last year” and said she was tired of me refusing to talk during practice because I was “focusing”.
She then announced she would rather spend Friday afternoons talking with Steve van der Veen and his mates about Izzy’s concept, “Bowls IQ”.
I have absolutely no idea what Bowls IQ is.
What lessons should I learn from this shocking development?
Wally the Worried Bowler
Dr Tufflove responds:
Boy, your life nearly contains enough emotional drama for either a Netflix romance series or a low-budget bowls documentary.
Frankly, I am not surprised Marge has decided to move on.
What surprises me is that you somehow failed to see this coming.
Surely there were warning signs.
Did you really think a woman wanted to spend every Friday afternoon silently watching you send down 40 bowls while staring grimly into the middle distance like a lawn bowls monk?
At some point, Wally, the woman probably wanted a conversation.
Or at least eye contact.
Instead, you gave her Rocket’s drill and complete emotional unavailability.
Meanwhile, along comes "Vanders" — laughing, chatting, discussing Bowls IQ and probably asking people how their weekend was.
You never stood a chance.
And let me make this painfully clear: attending Izzy’s coaching sessions means very little if your mind is focused on how many bowls remain in a drill.
You say you do not know what Bowls IQ is.
Well, based on this story, neither does Marge think you have any.
To learn from this unfortunate episode, I recommend three immediate steps.
First, urgently discover what Bowls IQ actually means before everybody else at the club starts discussing it while you stand there blinking.
Second, spend time observing "Vanders" in his natural habitat.
Study how he talks to people without mentioning drills every thirty seconds.
Third, during future practice sessions, occasionally say something cheerful like: “How was your week?”
This may feel unnatural at first, but persevere.
And finally, Wally, remember this important lesson: sometimes the real toucher is conversation.