This week, Wally the Worried Bowler writes to our resident “agony aunt”, the uniquely unqualified Dr Tufflove, seeking advice on how to persuade the club photographer to take more flattering photographs of him.
Dear Dr Tufflove,
I appreciate that the club photographer, John M, puts in a fair bit of effort, and I generally enjoy his work.
In fact, before Marge and I split up, I used to proudly show her the photos of me he posted on the club website.
However, I have become increasingly concerned about certain angles he uses when photographing me.
Ideally, I would prefer he only photograph me while I am standing on the mat before delivering the bowl.
The photos he takes of me during delivery unfortunately reveal that I now release the bowl about 30 centimetres above the grass — something that never happened in my younger days.
My second request would be that he only photograph me head-on, looking straight down the rink, never from the side or behind.
The side-on shots slightly exaggerate the very minor stomach I have developed over the years.
And the rear-view shots seem to dramatically widen my backside to near agricultural proportions.
How do I delicately raise these sensitive issues with him?
Wally the Worried Bowler
Dr Tufflove responds:
My boy, what you are suffering from is a common human condition known as “camera-based delusion”.
Most bowlers believe they still look exactly as they did twenty years ago.
Then a club photographer arrives with a modern zoom lens and cruelly introduces them to reality.
You are clearly struggling with three separate shocks: gravity, ageing, and high-resolution photography.
I also note that your concerns began shortly after Marge left you, which is unlikely to be a coincidence.
But I must say, Wally, your proposed solution is extraordinary.
You are essentially asking the club photographer to create an official image promotion campaign on your behalf.
You want: no action shots, no side angles, no rear views, no evidence, and preferably soft lighting from the late 1980s.
Frankly, you do not need a photographer.
You need a portrait artist working in oils.
And let us address the bowling issue directly.
If photographs reveal that your bowl is now being released 30 centimetres above the grass, the problem is not the camera.
The camera is merely acting as an unbiased witness to the crime.
Likewise, if rear-view photographs suggest your backside has expanded, you should first determine whether: the lens is distorting reality; or your recent devotion to potato chips and post-match heavy beer has finally caught up with you.
I also strongly reject your suggestion that the photographer should avoid documenting your weaknesses.
Without those photographs, how would future generations fully appreciate the evolution of your technique?
No, Wally.
The real issue here is not photography.
It is your desperate desire to look like “Young Wally” while continuing to live like “Older Wally”.
My recommendations are simple.
First, stop studying the photographs and start studying your calorie intake.
Second, bend your knees slightly more when delivering the bowl.
Third, if you truly want flattering photographs of you on the green, begin high-fiving teammates more often.
Many people forgive flaws in bowling technique when someone looks cheerful.
And finally, remember this: the camera may be brutal, but it never lies.
See Wally's previous worries:
Wally's Loss of Sleep Over Team Selection