This week, Wally the Worried Bowler writes to our resident “agony aunt”, the uniquely unqualified Dr Tufflove, desperately seeking advice on what more he can possibly do to earn selection in the top side on Saturdays, next pennant season.
Dear Dr Tufflove,
I lie awake at night wondering what else I need to do to get selected in the top side on Saturdays.
I’ve carefully studied the current top players and am prepared to copy absolutely everything they do.
For example:
What else should I be doing?
Wally the Worried Bowler
Dr Tufflove responds:
Lad, I do not wish to carve you up immediately, because you are not alone.
Half the club lies awake at night worrying about selection.
What separates you from the others, however, is the breath-taking depth of your misguided thinking.
You appear to have completely misunderstood why the best players are in the top side.
It is not because of sunglasses.
It is not because of slippers.
And I can assure you that selectors are not sitting around the table saying:
“His forehand’s shaky, but by heavens, look at the quality of those high-fives.”
The brutal truth, Wally, is this:
your problems involve weight, line, consistency, judgement, backhand and forehand.
In bowls circles, these are considered mildly important.
Meanwhile, you have devoted your entire off-season to fashion accessories and nickname development.
And another thing: if the top players bowled like you do, they too would be in the fourth side — regardless of how shiny their sunglasses were.
If Dave Howard turned up unable to draw within three metres of the jack, the selectors would not say:
“Yes but look at that magnificent glimpse of midriff.”
My gentlest recommendations are as follows.
First, buy yourself an extremely boring book to read before bed so you stop lying awake fantasising about selection decisions.
Second, visit a qualified medical professional and ask whether your neurons can be rewired so you genuinely learn to love bowling in the fourth side.
Third, stop spending money on face paint, razors and designer footwear.
At present, your chances of making the top side are roughly equivalent to your chances of winning Thursday night’s lotto.
In fact, I would recommend buying a lotto ticket.
At least that way you may have some success in your life, occasionally getting two numbers.
See Wally's previous worries: